I’m not sure other people understand the pain I feel when I see in my Kakao talk ExJ’s status as “June 30, 2012. I’m getting married. Congratulate me.” (In Korean…)
I don’t know if the people I know or read my blog understand the feeling of seeing your ex get married not even within a year after breaking up. Add on top of this knowing that your college sweet heart you were with for 5 years, is also getting married. To top it off that you still have no one to at least say you might marry.
I really don’t think anyone understands this pain and when I hear close friends try to give me consoling words, or when I see the look of pity in their face, I just feel shame in my heart.
But I’m sure empathy and understanding is enough to understand these things. But at the end of the day, I’m alone with no one to call. Just a blog to put data into and that’s all.
Even though I’m with guys these days for a short period of time, I start to build up memories. Yea, I’m suppose to keep my feelings out of a relationship as it starts. But I’m human and it happens anyways.
So when I’m taking a shower and I remember that Mr. Ch liked to use the cucumber body wash the most, I have to tell myself, “Nope, that’s never going to happen again.” And take the memory and put it in the trash. These trashing-of-memories seems to be natural response after I break up with a guy.
“Yes, he liked sports.” Is what I think to myself when I pass through the barrage of sports channels on my TV. Into the trash you go!
The tough part about this is that when I do start something with a guy I start to wonder if the little memories I’m starting to form will just end up in the trash later.
The whole thing reminds me that I’ve been with 5 guys since my break up with Mr.J last September and that makes me sick. It’s enough to make me slow down and avoid meeting someone new. Which might be a good thing…?
Yesterday he only texted he was with his family, and before that on Friday he didn’t text at all. The feeling inside me was that I was being used and the signs are right in front of me. But people on the interwebs were saying, “Wait…” “Push…pull…you know.” But I knew.
So I texted a “hello” this morning and got a strange text of Hangul from him. Just two characters that didn’t match. So I asked, “Are you sleeping?” and got nothing. So I said to myself what the hell and gave up. I texted, “I have to ask you something.” “Are we really boyfriend and girlfriend?” And I waited for his response.
Time passed and I noticed he got my message but didn’t respond. However, I was going to a language exchange thing and so kept my mind off of it. Then towards the end of the group time he texted back saying, “I’m sorry u r confused. We are just friends.” That’s it. I texted back something like, “I’m really disappointed and the next time someone says they love me I won’t believe them.” No response, which is expected.
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There I was yesterday after work preparing my dinner, getting everything laid out. The meal was my usual stir fried tofu and rice. I was feeling a bit blue from the day since all I got was a “Good Morning” text from Mr. Ch and then all my continuing messages were not read. I was mostly feeling the dread that this three day weekend was coming up and the guy I was seeing wasn’t contacting me to think about plans.
But I also was thinking, whatever and I’ll find a way to enjoy it myself and then consider talking to him about it all.
Then I got a text from Mr. W (the guy I dated back this Winter, who was notorious for not texting for weeks, and would show up at my house at 10pm). When we were together I gave him one of the spare keys to my house, because I felt it was the right thing to do. I mean, even though he didn’t text much and showed up late the feeling with him was good and he did do relationship stuff with me. However, if you know the history you can argue he’s an a-hole.
Anyways, we have been texting for a while, but mostly me saying I want my key back. I told him I was with someone new and he usually sent a frown smiley. Last week I told him to just mail me my key and I gave him my address. Yesterday, he texted saying hello and how are you…very pleasant…then he said he wants to meet me to give me back my key. I said, “When?” and he said “today…with dinner.”
The next thing I knew I was going to Itaewon, to meet him with the words, “Just like when we first met.” I was hungry, excited, full of worry and courage. The rest of the story is after the jump.
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So I’m starting to get to the point where I want to ask him if he wants more than just…you know. Because when he comes over that is basically what we do together. Don’t get me wrong I love the …. we do together and I don’t feel like I’m being used. But since it is practically the only thing we do together I’m concerned.
Also I don’t get much texting from him, unless prompted first by me. I hope I’m not being too clingy, but there hasn’t been a morning text from him in a while, unless I do it first. During the day I know he is busy with work, and he usually responds after I send a hello his way. We did text yesterday, but just light stuff.
Since he is very endearing when he is here and we have a good chemistry going I don’t want to shatter it all. But he is going on that big trip next month and I want to make sure he knows what I want out of this. Plus I don’t think I will be able to relax if he goes on his trip and I still have this big question in my head.
So the next time he shows up I am going to try to ask him where we are going with all this. I’ll try not to project a “blaming” attitude and more just curiosity.
I am going to try and set up a date with him this weekend, an out-of-my-house adventure. But still waiting till closer to that date as I hope he doesn’t have to work. sigh
Just trying to be patient and enjoy my time with him, and let things develop in their own way. Though this question keeps nagging me, so gotta do something about it.
That was a fun 3 or so hours. His return to see me today was a big reassurance. We didn’t talk much about the relationship, but I like to hold off on that for the right time. He also seemed weary from his travel during the weekend, and I know for him to get home it takes a while. So I just enjoyed the time with him.
After some fun, we ordered chicken and watched some sports. He’s a sports guy.
A few intimate things happened, which added to my reassurance that this is real. Although I’m not going to speak of it, cause toooo intimate to share.
He’s still going on his trekking / work trip for next month. That leaves a mere two weeks to do stuff with him. I like his visits after work, but of course want to go on actual dates with him. Next Monday is a holiday and I asked if he will be free, but he doesn’t know yet. I wanted to ask about this weekend, but knew it was too early. It’s kind of a habit you pick up in Korea, to wait till closer to the date to make plans.
Ok sleepy time
He said he was almost here so I waited for him outside my building. THen he texts me he’s in my house!
I walk in my house and he’s in the shower.
Ha!
sneaky
